The women hiding money from their partners
More women earn their own money today, and, they don’t want to share all of it, saying ‘it should just be mine’.
Would you tell your partner if you had £20,000 in a savings account? What about if you got a pay rise of £8,000 a year, or a £10,000 bonus?
According to a recent feature in The Times, very wealthy women have been hiding their wealth and spending from male partners, even purchasing luxury villas without their knowledge. But they are not the only cohort of secretive spouses: research shows that women of more moderate means have they also hide savings or bonuses from their partners.
“Financial infidelity” is the colloquial term being used for when someone intentionally conceals financial information such as savings, earnings or spending from their partner. When I asked women to share their own stories of hiding their wealth, my inbox soon filled up.
But why are women increasingly choosing to keep their finances separate – and in some cases secret – from their partners?
Sally# has £20,000 in savings. I asked her why she hadn’t told her boyfriend of 14 years about the cash.
“If he sees the money available, he will spend it,” Sally explained. “He knows I have some savings but he doesn’t need to know how much. I imagine he would guess I have about a quarter of the amount I have.”
Carmen# who is a first-generation immigrant, said her heritage was an important reason why she, her sisters and friends do not share details of what they earn or have in savings with male partners. Carmen is not currently married or in a long-term partnership, but has always kept her finances private. “Our mothers never truly had the freedom to spend their money,” she said. “They had to hide what they had to live their lives.”
The number of women in paid work is at a near-record high. The gender pay gap still exists, but it is closing for women in full time work. Where previous generations had to squirrel away money from their husbands, more women earn their own money today, and they don’t want to share all of it.
Given that around 42% of marriages end in divorce and fewer couples are marrying in the first place, who could blame them? Just as economic abuse can be devastating, financial freedom is liberating.
Perhaps that’s why fewer and fewer women have joint bank accounts. According to a recent survey from Starling Bank, just 23 per cent of women put their income into a joint account. That’s compared to 27 per cent of men.
And this isn’t just about hiding an Amazon parcel from your boyfriend, telling your husband a dress is “very old” when you actually bought it last week, or saying the hotel you stayed in on a girls’ trip was cheap when it actually cost £300 a night.
It’s about building wealth. And building wealth is about power, as men have demonstrated so well for centuries.
Alice#,who works in finance, gets an annual bonus that her partner is unaware of – this year it was £10,000. She said that her boyfriend was born into wealth. “His parents have more money than mine and regularly give him financial help, particularly when he was doing his Masters. But I have to earn my money,” she told me. “Maybe it’s bad, but I don’t think I should share that with him.”
On everything else, Alice said her partner wants to split things 50:50. “I feel under pressure to conform to his lifestyle,” she added. “But I want to save my money.”
She added that this is a “big conversation” in her friendship group at the moment. “If I told him about my bonus there will be an expectation it should be spent on something for both of us, but I feel like it should be just my money.”
Some women might be posting ‘how to please your man’ videos on Instagram, and spurious “dating coaches” might be loudly telling young woman to find “a man in finance” on TikTok, but there is a quiet shift taking place among more affluent young working women too.
They’re earning their own money. They want to use it to build something of their own, whether that’s in case of a separation or so that they can retain financial independence within a romantic partnership.
“Growing up, my dad refused to pay child support,” Alice reflects. “I do think about money as power.”
Sally said that her £20k “rainy day fund” is for emergencies and retirement. Carmen said that her income is her “protection”. And Alice would ultimately like to buy a holiday home with her savings. She says she’s working on being more open with her partner about money, so whether he’s allowed in on it remains to be seen.
The Don Draper-esque male breadwinner who gave his wife pin money is increasingly, a character from the distant past. Today, most couples today need two incomes to pay rent, let alone buy a home. House prices are at historic highs across the country. Incomes do not match up. Added to that, childcare in Britain is still among the most expensive in any wealthy nation.
Partnership and marriage, as any social historian will tell you, have always been financial arrangements. Arguably more so than romantic ones. If the stories that flooded my inbox about so-called financial infidelity are anything to go by, young women are happy to pay their fair share, but they don’t want more than they’re entitled to nor to split what’s theirs.
Like generations before them, they also know that they need to keep something back for themselves. Just in case. The big difference is that a growing number of them actually have the means to do so.
# Fictitious names have been used to preserve anonymity.
Vicky Spratt for i
How we can help
We have many year’s experience helping clients to grow their wealth, aiming to make sure that at every stage of their life – and including during their retirement years – they can enjoy an enjoyable, happy and affordable life style. Whilst we help a wide mix of women and men from all walks of life, rest assured that all conversations, meetings and transactions take place in absolute confidence and details would never be shared with a clients partner, family or any other third party.
So if you’re unsure about how to manage any aspect of your finances or if you need help creating a plan – especially if you have some money privately put aside – we can help you to assess your current financial situation, identify areas for improvement, and create a plan that is tailored directly to your needs and goals. Most importantly we can help you find the best way to make your secret savings work hard for you. After all if they’re personally yours that’s what you deserve. Why not arrange to meet with us so we can understand more about your plans? We can offer an initial meeting at our expense and without obligation. Call us on 0808 123 4321.
Logic Wealth Planning provides independent financial advice in Manchester, Bury, Rochdale, Cheshire, and the surrounding area, but not limited to the region.